In general, I was sad this month.  And angry. Definitely confused. And fed the *fuck *up. Done, done and then some. Still, nothing like a breakup, even one you decide on, to throw you off your A-Game. It’s overdue, necessary, unsurprising. But highly inconvenient to my attempts to stay in a completely positive state of flow. Damnit.

I was crippled by fatigue for about two weeks. This is most likely a combination of my Adrenal Fatigue kicking in in reaction to stress round here of breaking up and not being able to actually move out immediately + the ever present and debilitating Austin allergies + trying (ahem, way to load your plate Jess) to wean off antidepressant with a most haphazard approach. Oh, and a shitty diet. This month was not easy. Or fun to look back on.

Those two weeks were followed by Liam having Strep Throat for an entire week, during which I became increasingly irate that my ex-husband has never once stayed home with our very sick child. But that’s another post for another day…

When he finally rallied, I marveled at Liam’s cuteness, and his style. His new thing is wearing two shirts. He tells me like he has a big secret, like it’s the most scandalous thing in the world. Cracks me up.

Finally, both of us picked up some energy and Liam and I spent the first bouts of real quality time we’ve spent together in MONTHS. Probably in five months, the exact length of time I’ve been wasting my time waiting on someone to reappear, and the exact length of time I’ve been slowly introduced to that same person’s true self. Liam and I began going on solo dates to new places, going out to restaurants together for dinner, having movie nights, as well as what he calls “Pajama Days.” And it feels so freaking good. It’s not that I’ve neglected him, we’ve just neglected Austin, and explorations, and SPONTANEITY. But don’t worry, I think we will be righting that with a vengeance from now on.

Friends, I’m stepping aside again today  as Jenna Hales steps in to share her story of struggling with infertility for a decade. Jenna writes and shares her art at jennahales.com. If you’re interested in sharing YOUR story, details are below this post. 

I should warn you, this is not one of those stories in which someone talks about their infertility struggles and then tells you they miraculously got pregnant. Because I never did – not once. In 10 years of trying to get pregnant, not once did I see that little plus sign at the end of the stick. My battle with infertility has defined my adult life in a way that nothing else has.

I am about to turn 40 and although I have become a mother through the miracle of open adoption, I never grew a baby in my body. Despite all my efforts and there were many, getting pregnant was one of those dreams of mine that never came true.

When I was in the thick of it, it was a dark time for me. I think anyone who has been through a difficult time can understand. It seems when you are struggling with something all you see are the people around you who have conquered that particular struggle. With infertility it’s even more difficult because when another woman is pregnant it’s right out there in front of you – literally. Inevitably someone would tell me how they accidentally got pregnant (oops!) or that they found out they were having a boy but really wanted a girl. All the while I would use every ounce of self-control I had to not strangle them on the spot. I had many days where I would leave a store because seeing a pregnant woman had just thrown me into an emotional whirlwind I wasn’t able to pull myself out of it. I would get anxious about the idea of walking around the corner and seeing that beautiful pregnant belly and being reminded yet again of my own inadequacy. The sheer thought of it would send me running for my car. I stopped going to baby showers. In all honesty,  I wasn’t able to be happy for friends who were pregnant, because it brought up so much grief for me. I would just hang up the phone and sob at hearing their joyful news.

Internally, I felt like I was letting everyone down – especially my husband. Didn’t he deserve a wife who could produce children? Wasn’t it my birth right as a woman to grow a person? That is what we do – we make babies! What was wrong with me? I was always one of those people, the kind who set my mind to something, tried hard and then would achieve my goal. But hard as I tried, pregnancy just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I’d like to say adopting our son cured all that ailed me emotionally, as it relates to infertility, but that wouldn’t be true. Adopting him healed my heart in ways nothing else could have done and has brought more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined. But those demons were born so long ago that they still rise up from time to time, despite my happiness. I still wonder how I can still feel sadness at times.

And yet, I am grateful. Having been given the gift (literally) of being my son’s mother I am grateful for him everyday. It was a long road to motherhood for me and all the sweeter in its arrival. Grateful because infertility taught me not to give up. That even when there seems to be no way through, you can find another path, build a bridge or dream up something new. It taught me there is magic in the unknown and it isn’t until our path takes a turn in a direction we didn’t imagine that we able to discover the true beauty of life. Granted, I can say that now but had you told me this would be my perspective when I was in the thick of it I may have punched you in the face. So to anyone out there who may be reading this who is in the midst of the struggle, if we happen to meet in person, please don’t assault me on sight! Just know, wherever you are on your journey you will get through it, even if it doesn’t seem possible in the midst of it.  You are not alone and if motherhood is truly what you want, don’t give up, there is always another way.

Yes, it is the middle of May (Shiiiit, how did we get here??) Nonetheless, I committed to myself at the beginning of 2013 that I would keep record of what this year entailed, since last year is such a blur. A beautiful, ohmygoodnesslifeisgood blur, but a blur nonetheless. So here I am, mostly for myself, but also to give you a little peek into my life!

In the Personal Life:

- It’s utter craziness that I did not touch an art supply for the entire first three months of the year. In March I started something I’m calling my “Treasure Book.” I’ve been collecting little treasures for about five years. Not a huge collection, because I’m picky. It started in Switzerland, where I found a fancy vintage postcards that I couldn’t let slip by. Then I began keeping bits of ephemera: vintage lace, scraps of colored papers I love, buttons or stamps.  And for five years, I’ve collected them and carried them around in a box and moved them across the ocean and never had ANY idea what I was doing this for. At the end of March and on into April, I suddenly felt compelled to put these treasures into a compilation. I decided to use a vintage photo album, and inspired by a book I saw at Christine Mason Miller’s house, I created a “lookbook” of my treasures. Interestingly, despite the extremely gratification I felt in making it, in making art, I spent a lot of quiet time internally processing what it takes to make a piece of art, or an album of your favorite scraps of paper, just to do it. Like, with no real purpose. The purpose, in fact, is incredibly deep: for sheer pleasure. But that is something that I think a lot of us struggle with when we set out to create. Perhaps the mark of a true “artist,” if there is one at all, is that s/he can create without justifying, explaining and creates for the feeling it gives alone.

I spent a significantly long week or so with a very sick kiddo. He got the flu, which dehydrated him, which led us to the ER where he discovered that drinking his beverages out of a syringe is the.most.fun! Do you remember being a kid and figuring out that you could trap the soda in the straw with your finger, and then wanting to drink the entire drink that way? Yeah, me too. Thankfully after just a good dose of anti-nausea medicine, Liam was back in action. And then momma promptly crumbled into a heap when she realized she had three healthy kids to take care of for an entire weekend alone!

In the Biz Realm: 

- I saw my first magazine article + photos published nationally, in Somerset Life. Just last week I actually went and saw the magazine in person (they’d sent a copy to my home already) and it was SUCH a cool feeling!

- I designed an Empowering Art Workshop and then met with one of the coordinators at Austin’s Safe Place (Domestic Violence Shelter) to discuss facilitating these workshops for their victims. She and I clicked on so many levels, shared our own stories and both of us shed a tear during our simple hour meeting. Love that.

- Worked out an entire Site Map + Branding thesis for my first website. Worked with the awesome designer and started on my first ever logo!

- Organized all of the 100 Inspirational Decks for the current swap. Mixed them all up, packaged, labeled and sent them back out into the world!

- Started the “From Trauma to Truth” campaign and coordinated the first 4 entries that have come in

- Began an intensive online course called Fearless Launching

- Had a juicy hour long conversation with a most favorite person and worked out a bunch of math/numbers and details for our retreat next April!! This carried me around in a cloud for a good few days afterwards!

- Wrote my contributor Bio for True North, made a list of magazine article pitches for May, emptied my inbox (holla!) and compiled list of guest posts contributions for the next month!

- Worked with various clients on progressing their small creative business endeavors