Sitting in my pharmacy, when I should not have to be sitting. My script is supposed to be on Auto-Refill, and yet, this is the second month in a row I’ve dipped into the pharmacy thinking I could just pick it up only to find out they have not filled it for know-one-knows-why reason, and it’ll be a twenty minute wait.

My first thought was, thank goodness I brought notebook/reading material. Without that, I’d be irritable. And, thank goodness I had the time before my doctor’s appointment, because even more than waiting when I shouldn’t have to, I really don’t like repeating errands. But I had my notebook and I decided it was a treat to have this chance to be all alone with my notebook and not have my computer/son/chores nearby to lure me away from it.  Ironically, I wouldn’t be blogging right now if I hadn’t had that wait, and that notebook in which to scribble the words I’m now transcribing.

However, while writing this, I got to thinking about how sometimes, when shopping or running errands, you don’t have reading material on you. Or the time to wait/come back. Sometimes you’re just irritated. When this happens, and maybe you do this too, I tend to express my displeasure vocally. I try to make my displeasure with the mistake known, clearly and succinctly when I do choose to say something. I figure, they will listen to me, I don’t need to get all bitchy on them. I also figure that the person doesn’t need or deserve a tirade. They just need to know how they messed up, so that they can fix it.

Why do I believe that they will listen to me? Without me going into a rant or carrying on insulting them? Easy. Because if they don’t, they’ll lose my business!

So why don’t I function this way with men? What habit was ingrained very early on in my life that taught me that men didn’t have to listen to me, or that they wouldn’t? Nothing comes to mind in my very early age about myself. What does float up starts from the very first boy I ever kissed down to the last boy I dated, just before I turned thirty. For a long time, I just didn’t speak up. I didn’t voice my displeasure. I was afraid to. I was afraid that if I did, they would ignore my pain and continue doing whatever it was. And THAT would hurt worse than what they were actually doing. Eventually I learned to speak up, even lovingly, without anger. I have always been proud of my ability to find a genuine, constructive way to talk about something bothering me in a relationship, or in a man. And yet, I still erred. For the longest time I’ve held a pattern of speaking up when I have something bothering me, but not following through if nothing changed. In other words, the “he” of the moment never lost my business (and by business I don’t just mean “sex” here. I mean, me.)

If the pharmacy can’t get its act together about this tiny issue, I’ll happily find another. And yet I allow the men I’m with so.much.leeway with the ways in which they disappoint or hurt me. I give them chance after chance after chance. When I really search, it goes back to my parents. And I bet that is true for a lot of people. Heck, I bet that’s true for my parents about their own parents! They are our first models, their actions the most present to absorb when we are the most impressionable. And when I think about my parents’ relationship when I was a little girl, absorbing information, I realize that this was my model: give chance after chance, no matter how bad the crime. And, like my mom, I find ways to justify my leniency with important, positive motivations. Hers was mainly that she “wanted a family and married parents for you kids.” Mine has been, “he needs my help.”

So I’m learning. I’m not out of it, but I’m self aware of it, and that’s a start. Does this ring any bells with any of you? It’s healthy to voice our displeasures, without ranting, without bitching. And after that, they’ve simply got to lose our business. That’s the really super duper scary part. But, that’s also the bottom line. The simple equation that works. The way for you, me, to get what we want and deserve in a partner.

]]> http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?feed=rss2&p=7450 1 http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?p=7442 http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?p=7442#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 04:46:27 +0000 Jess http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?p=7442

I have a very particular pattern that I fall into. Tell me if this sounds familiar to you. This is what happens, with me.  I get out of touch with a friend for awhile. Life goes on. Exciting, strange, disappointing, fun things happen. Life, ya know, happens, in its ups and downs. After sometime, the friend begins to suggest that it’s been too long without an update. I contemplate our next conversation, feel overwhelmed, then begin to dance around talking to them because I can’t fathom how to update the person on everything that’s happened. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if there is enough time. I don’t know if I can do the stories justice and make them worth sharing if I have to speed through them. So I procrastinate. And the feeling grows because more life happens as I procrastinate!

Well, I do the same thing with blogging. Or art. Oh and especially exercise! If I get out of the habit, even for a week, it begins to happen. For instance, I didn’t make it to yoga for the last week. When I went this morning, holy cow! I was so out of shape. So sore right from the start. My arms shook in downward dog. I found myself in child’s pose, just resting, while others moved through the dictated poses. I felt frustrated, because before my week off, I had been feeling so strong, stronger and healthier and more able than I have in a long while. Just one week off was all it took. But, when I got home, the resounding thought in my head was this, “At least I went!”

And you know what? The next day I went back for the second day in a row, and I kicked some yoga butt! It was an especially difficult series, one that had me sweating profusely and too busy to contemplate stopping. It felt great. And that is where I’d like to be with writing (blogging) right now.

As I sit here, late Saturday night, tired and ready for bed at 11:45 p.m., I feel guilt and anxiety that I’ve let another day end without blogging. With each day that passes, my list of stories that I would like to tell grows. And yet, I keep putting it off, and keep going to bed disappointed in myself. So I am trying to capture what happened as Yoga as a guide to getting back to my blog. Just start somewhere. So I’m starting here, with this photo of my new daily(ish) Art Journal. This entry, from yesterday, was merely a list, but something like this makes me infinitely happy, a snapshot of a day in my life to look back on with wonder.

Perhaps this is the trick. Not to be cliche, but Just.Do.It.  Just go. Just move your feet. Just put finger to keyboard and bang. Don’t think, just start painting. Don’t procrastinate anymore because you’re afraid it won’t be good enough. It will be. Maybe not today, but soon, it will, as long as you start.

What did you do today? What did you procrastinate on that you could choose to attack tomorrow?

]]> http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?feed=rss2&p=7442 3 http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?p=7365 http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?p=7365#comments Mon, 30 Apr 2012 18:22:02 +0000 Jess http://www.insearchofdessert.com/?p=7365 The final batch of photos from the barn day! If you are interested in hiring me for your family portraits, you can click on the button on my left side bar, or go directly to jessicabroganphotography.com

P.S. Angel, you were a fantastic assistant!! You knew all the best poses

Do you ever feel like you are trying to live a truer, happier life consciously, setting intentions, making optimism a habit and all that, and then you just have a crap day that makes you feel like none of it is working? Or worse, you dip into a genuine funk? That happened to me this weekend. Ever since I chose the word “TRANSFORMATION” as my word of the year, I have been more conscious about choosing myself over others, choosing optimism over pessimism, exploring and defining (slowly…it’s a process) who I truly am and setting intentions about what I want in life. Along with that consciousness comes an awareness of my life, the little moments, that I didn’t have before. Instead of feeling that hey, this weekend was a bit difficult, I feel confused because it makes me feel like my valid efforts aren’t working! And when I feel that way, I want to screech “Why not??”

If I am doing the work, where’s all the fun stuff that I’m putting out into the universe? Where’s the painting commission? Where’s the new work? Where’s the perfect pair of dancing boots on sale? Where’s that book I’ve tried to track down in so many bookstores showing up on a park bench? Where’s the Synchronicity that everyone else talks about having?! Instead, a weekend of fatigue. Allergies that are trying shamelessly to.kill.me. An eye infection. Another infection of the feminine sort. Sore muscles. Bad dreams. Bickerments with family members. No new work. A toddler who defies me and ignores me no matter how many times I put him in time-out or ask him to just for the love of goodness listen to me and put his shoes on so we can go do something FUN for HIM. No feelings of abundance. Just fatigue, the feeling of not doing enough, not doing the right things, and being busy and lost.

I know you have these days too, right?

These things tempt me to stop believing in this process of transformation and of working on myself. But I’ve made a commitment. And in line with my commitment, I’m trying new activities instead of running in an effort to be gentler on myself. So, exhausted and running late, I went to yoga anyway this morning. And I’m so glad I did.  This new place I am attending gives really great physical workouts every class, with every teacher. But one teacher, who only teaches my class on Mondays, also gives me a mental workout right alongside my eagle poses and spine shifting twist moves. Desiree talks throughout the class, sometimes telling us what a pose is doing or where it originated from, but mostly she just talks about honing our life to the right values, and finding the flow.

This morning she said something amazing. Right as we began our class she announced: “Set an intention for your practice. It’s Monday morning and you’re here. But you didn’t just show up here. You’re up to something BIG right now.”

Sure, that helped me to smooth out my ruffled, exhausted feathers and take the next 75 minutes with more grace. But I clung to that phrase even when class is over, and it’s been rumbling around my head ever since. Because here it is Monday. And yes, I had a bit of a funk this weekend, that annoyed me and frustrated me. So here’s what I’m going to suggest. To myself, and to you: Starting this week with intention and announcing “I am up to something BIG.”

The idea of starting my week with that announcement really pleases me. It IS transformation. It’s shucking the weekend drudge and emerging from that husk, new for this week. I’m up to something big this week. How ’bout you?

All of the watercolor postcards pictured here are up for grabs. Who would like mail?! The butterfly postcard features a quote that my mother read to me last week, by Ernest Hemingway, that I think is crazy fitting for the theme of this post. And the theme of spring and the caterpillars becoming butterflies; bettering themselves. It reads:

“There is no nobility to be found in superiority to another man. Nobility is found in finding superiority to your former self.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

If you are interested in booking me for a family photography session (I photograph couples, weddings, children as well), you can find all of the information at www.jessicabroganphotography.com , or email me directly at jessica.brogan(at)gmail.com

“This course has been a beautiful gift. a gem. the people in it, their insights and encouragements and stories – both you two and the participants – has been just mind blowing. i truly do not know how to express to others outside this class what it is. how do you sum it up? the most enjoyable class I’ve ever taken? the first time i’ve found MY TRIBE? it’s more than a class, more than a movement. just as you asked us to see our businesses as their own individual people, i see this class as an incredibly wise and generous friend. thank you so much.”

The content in Hello Soul, Hello Business that these ladies put forth is, in a word, overwhelming. LOL. That sounds bad. Really, it’s a gift. You get So.Much.For.Your.Money. The downside is, it was incredibly hard to keep up. Some mere worksheets seemed like entire semester’s worth of work to me (err, mostly the ones with numbers). And sometimes life steps in, gets busy, and then all I could manage was to print off each daily lesson (ranging from two pages to twenty!) and stick it in my HSHB Binder for the future. Having too much information and awesome content is an okay problem with me. Just sayin’.

The content was amazing, but I’d have to say that the Facebook community grown out of this class is as meaningful, if not more. The aid, trust and legitimate friendships built throughout the course has been worth the money all by itself. I’ve had the luck to email with some really genuine, beautiful people. I’ve written on my wish-list about meeting certain people in different parts of the country (one of which came true when I celebrated my 30th Birthday with Montreal Jewelry Designer Renelde Napoli &  Jess Greene of Seek Your Course!), I’ve found a gift-giver soulmate to exchange pretty packages with, talked on the phone with a woman twice my age who seemed like a kindred spirit, and invited more than one new friend to come visit me in Austin!

One of those friends I invited, said Yes! Wendy, from Oklahoma, got to come visit me a few months ago, while we had our first break week in the class, and we had a BLAST exploring Austin together, meeting up with other HSHB friends from Austin for margaritas and Mexican food, shopping art supplies and thrift stores ’til we dropped and in general, just soaking up the amazingness that the Universe would put this class in our lives, to find these new friends, to dream these new dreams and to manifest some pretty awesome stuff, both in our own lives and in others.

To say I adore Wendy is probably an understatement. Thank you for coming to visit me miss Wendy. And for the conversations, the insights and the two pieces of cow-poo.

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