In Search of Dessert

It is not a coincidence that this has been the most trying month of Liam’s life since his birth, and it is also the month of the most immense set of changes. I feel for the little guy, even as he sometimes drives me to my limits of patience, because he has no idea what he is going through, why he hurts, or why he cannot just do all that he has it in mind to do. It must be so frustrating, and I try to respect that. True, at times I find myself feeling attacked. Not often, but sometimes I will feel that he is screaming at me. This is especially true if we go out and about and he coos and flirts and smiles at every single person we meet, and then he turns to me, the smile disappears and he cries the rest of the afternoon at home. That feels personal. I believe, in a way, it is.  I thought that I had at least until the double digit years before he took me for granted. No one ever mentioned that I might feel it before he was even a year old. But here it is: just seven months into his life and I already feel he knows that I am a constant, and that my love is too, and so he is able to be grumpy and unfriendly around me in a way that he is not around others. I find myself feeling annoyed, honored and taught a lesson by this.

I am annoyed because I put the most effort in and this month it feels that I do not get much in return. Not even many smiles. I know that this IS a phase, but that does not make those hard days much easier. I am honored because I know this means that in just seven short months, Liam has already decided and believed that my love is unconditional. And this means I am doing a good job, even if the outcome may sometimes be that I end up sobbing on the floor in another room. The lesson I’ve been taught is that I do the very same thing – to my mother and my husband. I take them for granted, or their unconditional love, in much the same manner. They are the only two people who really get the brunt of my bad moods. I’ll cover it, hide it or squash it for others, but I will feel free to let it out around my husband. And he does the same with me.

I am often torn about this. My mother would say that this is very bad, that we must be more respectful and try even harder to be in a constant good mood, around those who love us most. I often feel that it is normal, and a blessing, to have someone around whom I can actually be myself, as in the very mood I am in at that moment. But of course, it is a battle not to go too far and infect them with my own temporary bad mood.

In any case, I recognize what Liam is going through and doing. This week was a bit exaggerated, tougher than most because Jonathan was gone again. And I did feel it was personal this week. And it has been very gray and raining, so we’ve been cooped up inside. The latter is the very worst situation for Liam, who really seems to need enormous amounts of time outside. I called my mom one evening and vented. It is hard this week, this month, and I am just feeling beat down. She responded that I should see a therapist. I believe I just need physical help, not mental help.

Jon is home now, and the change is almost miraculous. I feel calm and centered…while he frets and fusses about this cranky baby we have these days. Just knowing that I have help, and knowing that he isn’t leaving again any time soon, is amazing. It makes all the difference for me. When I went out for my run and came back to find Jon literally throwing his hands in the air saying “I don’t know how you do it!” I just laughed. Then I smiled and picked up Liam and felt nothing but happiness to see them both, cranky or not. I laughed because it at least took me a few days to get to that point with Liam, and it took Jonathan two hours, and that makes me feel all the more normal in my temporary moments of despair.

Having my husband here is clearly the most important element to my maintaining a sense of reality about parenting. When he is gone it can just feel overwhelming and I lose sight very quickly of the big picture. Having him home means things roll off my shoulders. It means I see the bright side without trying.  Having him here means not parenting together all the time, but often parenting one at at time so that the other can recharge their battery and swoop in at the right moment to give the other a break, and to give Liam the impression that everyone is in a great mood around him. Then, when we get into another great groove with Liam, we can stop and enjoy the goofy, silly and special moments, and forget about the bad.